Bush Lawyer's Slogan
(with apologies to Roy & HG) Too
much litigation is never enough!
Bush Lawyer's Portrait
The Bush Lawyer:
- is not a lawyer
- reserves the right to abuse the next person who says "have you
thought about being a lawyer"
- used to be an idealist, but has been made cynical by the legal system
- measures success by political goals, not legal judgements
- thinks "The Castle" is a more important legal source than
the Rules of the Court
- learns most tricks from the other side or by mimicking "normal" legal
practice
- works till the wee small hours because there are better things to do in
daytime
- has most fun on hopeless cases
- always represents the progressive community, but (unlike Rumpole) no
longer just acts for the defence (see point re cynicism above!)
- can usually be paid with "beers-in-lieu".
Bush Lawyer's Rules
Like every legal practitioner, the bush lawyer has ethical standards and
rules to work by. These are, inter alia:
Pleadings
- pleadings should be read sober
- pleadings can be written when drunk, but should be checked in the
morning
- bush lawyer pleadings should usually contain political arguments - just
to annoy the other side
- the form of pleadings can and should be plagiarised from other cases
- counterclaims should follow the same format as the pleadings brought
against you
- bush lawyer pleadings should always be longer than those from the other
side
- always, always, always counterclaim!
Court Etiquette
- be civil, not hierarchic or sycophantic
- do not bow to the judge - it is undemocratic
- try not to refer to the judge as "Your Honour" when in court, and only
refer to the judge as "His Honour" for purposes of parody
- only use words like "with respect" and "with the greatest respect" in
parody, or in the pub afterwards
- do not refer to the other side's lawyer as "my friend" - they're not
- always hand-up the austlii/web version of precedent cases - it is
archaic to require the leather bound version
Other
- the rules of the court are to be used to get political outcomes, not to
govern behaviour
- always be suspicious of lawyers on your side - they have their own
constraints, and you know your case better
- never accept the "Nuremberg defence" that lawyers on the other side are
simply following instructions - they are an active part of chilling your
right to free speech
- never send a one-page letter to the other side, it is very unsporting
- try to include at least one piece of Latin in any correspondence, it is
much more credible than relying on the "vibe of the constitution" (but about
as meaningless)
- media comment should be actively sought and used to embarrass the other
side
Bush Lawyer's Favourite Lawyer Joke
There are actually only two lawyer jokes. All the rest are
true stories.
Bush Lawyer's Advice
(with apologies to God and the IWW)
Go forth and multiply!
Multiply the number of cases, the length of cases, the cost of
suing activists until there are no more SLAPP suits, or the courts are clogged
and the laws are reformed!
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The Bush Lawyer's
Guide to 
